It occurred to me a little while ago that not only do I miss Chris - I miss caring for him. While he was obviously able to make his own decisions about his care and his self-management as a person with a chronic illness, I was his caregiver in the sense that I was his sounding board for decision-making, his nurse when he was recovering from surgeries or procedures, his advocate when he was not able to do so for himself.
I did all this passionately and without question and with the instinct to protect and care for the one I loved most in the world - the one to whom and for whom I would gladly have given anything, including one of my own kidneys. Chris’ kidney failure was a fact of our lives but one that we strove to not make the focus of our lives.
Now that Chris is gone, my caregiving duties are dramatically reduced. They are now only to myself - and to Sprockets of course! But I miss caring for him, worrying about him, researching new approaches to treatments and therapies, helping him shower, changing his dressings… he doesn’t need my caregiving anymore. He’s free, to care for all of us… who need it now more than ever. Take care.