Tuesday, January 13, 2009


It's been a long time... not sure who's still out there, waiting, hoping, reading, listening but I'll ramble on a bit.

I've been worried that I'm losing my voice. My writing voice.

It's not that I haven't been writing - I've been scribbling pages and pages - but I've been unsure of how and even whether to set them free on the blog. I spent some time back in December re-reading some of my early postings from the first six months or so. It was an eye-opener. The first thing that struck me was how eloquently I was able to express myself, given that my husband of nine months had just died unexpectedly. I don't mean to sound full of myself but I was honestly quite taken aback at reading some of those entries. I don't know how I did that... or if I still can.

That's when I realized that I was only now beginning to really feel the pain of my loss. The translucent veneer of shock that I've lived in for the last year has begun to crack and shafts of white hot light have begun to uncover my raw heart. I've warily re-visited memories that were too painful to really look at and I'm trying to carefully ponder those experiences. If I have to carry those memories - better to hold them under the light of day and learn from them than to shut them away where they may cause more pain in the long run.

Maybe I'm just wallowing... it's hard to know when you're this close to the heart of the matter.

Or maybe it's just winter blahs...

Or maybe this blog is nearing the end of its purpose... There are lots of ideas that I scribble down - sometimes pages and pages of real stream-of-consciousness stuff, but therein lies my dilemma: do I want to expose my naked brain (and heart) to you, my readers? I would have to trust myself - and you - to let my words and my thoughts simply be. Don't know if I can do that, don't know if I want to do that.

Maybe I'll take a long walk in the snow...


Tara said...

I think it would be a loss if you didn't write down your words of your feelings. Whether you notice it or not, you still articulate very well and I at least find myself sometimes sharing some of your feelings; even though Chris and I had a very different relationship.

He was the kind of friend to me whom I saw only occasionally but when we got together, it was like NO time had passed! We would literally pick up our conversations from where we left off months earlier.
He also totally understood me; which was amazing consider some of my closest friends don't even quite grasp my unique wierdness that Chris totally "got" about me! ;).

I think writing is cathartic and have been doing it myeslf during this cancer hell in which I currently find myself. I think of Chris often and try to draw on his strength and courage to take me through this journey. Keep sharing and writing even if you just let your words float into the Universe :).

Amanda M said...

Grief is like an ocean. It ebbs and flows, it has tides, it has moods. Don't feel that you have to continue writing your feelings down. Perhaps you're moving into a different phase. And that's a good thing! I'm happy that you're reflecting on where you are, where you've come from and, most importantly, where you're going.

You won't grieve forever. You'll always miss Chris.

Maybe the blog will take a new direction. Maybe you won't continue with the blog. Maybe you'll start a whole new blog where no-one will know who you are in real life (I promise I won't stalk you!?)

I'm glad you're listening to your heart, kiddo. It might hurt, but it will always tell you where you need to go.