It's been a long time... not sure who's still out there, waiting, hoping, reading, listening but I'll ramble on a bit.
I've been worried that I'm losing my voice. My writing voice.
It's not that I haven't been writing - I've been scribbling pages and pages - but I've been unsure of how and even whether to set them free on the blog. I spent some time back in December re-reading some of my early postings from the first six months or so. It was an eye-opener. The first thing that struck me was how eloquently I was able to express myself, given that my husband of nine months had just died unexpectedly. I don't mean to sound full of myself but I was honestly quite taken aback at reading some of those entries. I don't know how I did that... or if I still can.
That's when I realized that I was only now beginning to really feel the pain of my loss. The translucent veneer of shock that I've lived in for the last year has begun to crack and shafts of white hot light have begun to uncover my raw heart. I've warily re-visited memories that were too painful to really look at and I'm trying to carefully ponder those experiences. If I have to carry those memories - better to hold them under the light of day and learn from them than to shut them away where they may cause more pain in the long run.
Maybe I'm just wallowing... it's hard to know when you're this close to the heart of the matter.
Or maybe it's just winter blahs...
Or maybe this blog is nearing the end of its purpose... There are lots of ideas that I scribble down - sometimes pages and pages of real stream-of-consciousness stuff, but therein lies my dilemma: do I want to expose my naked brain (and heart) to you, my readers? I would have to trust myself - and you - to let my words and my thoughts simply be. Don't know if I can do that, don't know if I want to do that.
Maybe I'll take a long walk in the snow...