Thursday, August 9, 2007

Toothbrushes, combs and other things

Last night I was thinking about those first few days after Chris passed away. Trying to remember what I did and whom I spoke with... One of the clear memories I have is seeing Chris' toothbrush and comb in the bathroom and thinking how he would never use them again. I threw them in the garbage along with his razor.

I remember how strongly I felt about seeing all the bottles of pills that he had to take to maintain his health. I had taken them all to the hospital with me on that terrible Monday morning and then brought them home again when I came back alone. I dumped them all into a plastic bag and took them to the pharmacy for disposal. I never wanted to see so many pills again.

To me they represented Chris' constant struggle to maintain his health despite having kidney failure. The prescriptions seemed to always be changing: dosages, new variants of old drugs, an additional drug for some new symptom or condition that had to be treated.

Getting rid of them meant that he was finally free of all the procedures, surgeries, tests, treatments, and day-to-day challenges of living with a chronic illness. It was not the cure that we all dream of but I know that Chris' spirit is now finally free to soar to those limitless places that his heart and mind were so easily able to achieve.

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