It's now been over five weeks since Chris passed away. It's still hard to believe that this has happened... It's still hard to say "Chris died." or "Chris is dead." It is easy however to believe that he is simply somewhere else - at the university, at dialysis, over at a friend's, out running errands - anywhere, alive, breathing, walking... not dead.
But as the days turn to weeks - and now a new month - that trick is getting more difficult to believe. I want to be able to stop time, to be able to freeze that few moments after he died so that I can fully accept its finality. Time is going by too quickly and life around me is going on as if nothing had happened. But everything has happened. Everything in my life has stopped.
I know that somewhere, sometime in the future I will have come through the darkness and the fog that is this strange, timeless place where I now exist. I can't think about much beyond the next month or so because that is a time and a place where Chris will not walk through the doorway, will not call on the telephone, will not write sweet thoughts in my birthday cards.
As I write this, I'm still not sure what this blog will become. I originally thought of it as a place where his friends and loved ones could share their memories of him - stories, photos, top 5 lists. But I also realized that I wanted a place where I could write my thoughts and experiences of this voyage that will be "young" widowhood. Perhaps it will be all these and more...
One of Chris' favourite films was Dead Poets Society. The protagonist is a teacher who inspires his students to live life passionately and fully - to seize the day - "carpe diem". Chris loved learning and knowledge was his was drug of choice. His kidney failure was something that in many ways inspired him to seize the day because he knew in his heart that his life might not be a long one. I thought it would be a fitting title for this blog as it will remind us of how Chris lived his life and how he would want us to live ours.
I'll keep scribbling down my thoughts and I hope that others will add to this story. Together we will pick up the pieces and life will go on and we will seize the day.